A husband and wife enter a dentist's office.
The wife says, "I want a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," says the dentist, "please show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth Moishe and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
The wife says, "I want a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," says the dentist, "please show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth Moishe and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
One of life's biggest mysteries is how the man who was not good enough to marry your daughter
can be the father of the smartest and cutest grandchild the world has ever known.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
One Shabbos Rabbi Steinman announced, "Next week, my sermon will be about the importance of telling the truth.
To help you understand the topic, I would like you all to read Leviticus Chapter 28 for next week."
The following Shabbos, at the start of his sermon, Rabbi Steinman asks his congregation, "How many of you have read Leviticus 28?"
Every hand in the synagogue went up.
Rabbi Steinman smiled and said, "Leviticus only has 27 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the importance of telling the truth!"
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Shloimie was talking to his neighbour Avi.
"I just bought a new hearing aid. It was very expensive at $3,000. But it has the latest technology and worth every penny. I can hear a pin drop!"
"Really?" asks Avi, "what type is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
~
Much anger can be avoided if we learn to hear what the other person means, not what he says.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A man walked into a coffee shop and asked the price of a coffee.
“1.75,” replied the cashier behind the counter.
“How much is a refill?” asked the man.
“Refills are free,” answered the cashier.
“In that case, I’ll take a refill!”
~
In life, refills are often free, but you need to pay for the first cup!
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Solly was driving to work one day when his wife Rochel called him.
“Listen Solly, I want you to be extra careful this morning.
I just heard on the radio that there is a crazy man driving the wrong way down Highway 99.”
“One man,” Solly replied, “you mean more like 50!”
~
In life it isn’t how fast we are going that is important,
but rather that we are traveling in the right direction!
_ Adam and Chava had an ideal marriage.
Adam didn't have to hear about all the cleaning help Chava's friend had.
And Chava didn't have to hear about how well Adam‟s mother cooked the eight days of Passover.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Berel, a Chassidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so Berel hands
over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the
car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, Berel returns, repays the loan and the interest, which comes to $5,015.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out
and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
Berel replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Yitzy Cohen was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class.
He was asked to spell the word “cultivate,” and he spelled it correctly.
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded:
“Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home.”
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A Jewish mother gave her son two neckties on Chanukah.
When she came over to visit, the boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his mother gave him, and hurried back.
"Look, Ma, isn't it gorgeous?"
His mother asked, “What's the matter? You don't like the other one?”
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Moishy is walking down the street when he sees a flower shop with a sign in the window that reads,
“Have something important to tell someone? Say it with flowers!”
So Moishy walks into the shop and buys one flower.
“Only one?” the lady behind the counter asks.
“I’m a man of few words,” Moishy replies.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Hello, can I speak to Yankel?”
-“Yes, this is Yankel speaking.”
“It doesn't sound like Yankel.”
-“Well, this is Yankel all right.”
“You're positive it's Yankel?”
-“Absolutely!”
“Yankel Horowitz?”
-“That’s me.”
“Well, listen Yankel, it’s Benny Goldberg. I need a big favour.
Can you lend me one hundred dollars?”
-“When Yankel comes in,
I'll tell him you called.”
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Tzvi is walking down the street when he sees his old friend Chaim.
“Chaim, my friend, I haven’t seen you in so long.
I can’t believe how tall you are.
You’re so thin, have you been exercising?
And your hair, it used to be black as night and now its red.
You sure have changed a lot.”
Chaim replies, “My name is Shmuel.”
“My gosh, Chaim, you changed your name too!”
Adam didn't have to hear about all the cleaning help Chava's friend had.
And Chava didn't have to hear about how well Adam‟s mother cooked the eight days of Passover.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Berel, a Chassidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so Berel hands
over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the
car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, Berel returns, repays the loan and the interest, which comes to $5,015.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out
and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
Berel replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Yitzy Cohen was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class.
He was asked to spell the word “cultivate,” and he spelled it correctly.
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded:
“Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home.”
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A Jewish mother gave her son two neckties on Chanukah.
When she came over to visit, the boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his mother gave him, and hurried back.
"Look, Ma, isn't it gorgeous?"
His mother asked, “What's the matter? You don't like the other one?”
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Moishy is walking down the street when he sees a flower shop with a sign in the window that reads,
“Have something important to tell someone? Say it with flowers!”
So Moishy walks into the shop and buys one flower.
“Only one?” the lady behind the counter asks.
“I’m a man of few words,” Moishy replies.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Hello, can I speak to Yankel?”
-“Yes, this is Yankel speaking.”
“It doesn't sound like Yankel.”
-“Well, this is Yankel all right.”
“You're positive it's Yankel?”
-“Absolutely!”
“Yankel Horowitz?”
-“That’s me.”
“Well, listen Yankel, it’s Benny Goldberg. I need a big favour.
Can you lend me one hundred dollars?”
-“When Yankel comes in,
I'll tell him you called.”
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Tzvi is walking down the street when he sees his old friend Chaim.
“Chaim, my friend, I haven’t seen you in so long.
I can’t believe how tall you are.
You’re so thin, have you been exercising?
And your hair, it used to be black as night and now its red.
You sure have changed a lot.”
Chaim replies, “My name is Shmuel.”
“My gosh, Chaim, you changed your name too!”
Max and Isaac come to the Rabbi's study to settle a dispute. The Rabbi's wife is also seat-ed in the room.
Max explains his complaint to the Rab-bi: the story is such and so, and he has to do this and he has to do that. He gives a fine account and argues his case clearly. The Rab-bi declares, "You're right, Max."
Next, Isaac presents his side. He speaks with such passion and persuasion that the Rabbi says to him, "You're right, Isaac."
After they leave, the Rabbi's wife is dis-traught and says to her husband, "They have conflicting stories. How can you say that both of them are right? When one wins, the other must lose."
The Rabbi thinks long and hard and finally says to his wife, "You know, you're right."
***
Max explains his complaint to the Rab-bi: the story is such and so, and he has to do this and he has to do that. He gives a fine account and argues his case clearly. The Rab-bi declares, "You're right, Max."
Next, Isaac presents his side. He speaks with such passion and persuasion that the Rabbi says to him, "You're right, Isaac."
After they leave, the Rabbi's wife is dis-traught and says to her husband, "They have conflicting stories. How can you say that both of them are right? When one wins, the other must lose."
The Rabbi thinks long and hard and finally says to his wife, "You know, you're right."
***
Moshe, an old man, was hit by a car. Whilst waiting for an ambulance, a policeman tucked a blanket under Moshe's head and asked, “Are you comfortable?” Moshe replied, “I make a nice living.”
Avraham walks into Macy‟s department store and goes straight to the perfumery de-partment. He says to an assistant, "Today is the fifth day of Chanukah and I would like to buy my wife a nice bottle of French perfume.“ The assistant replies, "That will be a nice surprise for her." Avraham says, "It sure will, she‟s expecting a diamond necklace."
An archaeologist was digging in the Neg-ev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occur-rence in Israel, to say the least. After exam-ining it, he called Avi, the curator of the Israel Museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure," the excited scientist exclaimed.
Avi replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Avi called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure," the excited scientist exclaimed.
Avi replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Avi called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Max, a union head, is addressing a meeting at an Israeli company.
"Comrades, chaverim, we have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week."
--"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 3pm, not 4pm."
--"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 9 pm, not 7 pm."
--"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay raise."
--"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
--Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"
"Comrades, chaverim, we have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week."
--"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 3pm, not 4pm."
--"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 9 pm, not 7 pm."
--"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay raise."
--"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
--Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"
It was meal time during a flight on El Al. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Yosef.
“What are my choices?” he inquired.
“Yes or no.”
“What are my choices?” he inquired.
“Yes or no.”
Yaacov and David are walking down the street when it starts to rain, and before long it‟s pouring. Luckily, Yaacov is carrying an umbrella. "Nu," says David, “when are you going to open the umbrella?" "It won't help us," replies Yaacov, “it's full of holes." "Why did you bring it then?" asks David. Yaacov shrugs, "I didn't think it would rain."
Sara goes into her son's bedroom.
"You've got to get up for school." Moshe pulls the blankets over his head and replies, "I don't want to go to school, mother."
"But you have to," Sara says.
"I don't want to. The teachers don't like me and all the kids make fun of me."
Sara pulls the blanket back a little, "Moshe, you don't have any choice. You've got to get up for school."
"Okay, Okay", says Moshe, "but only if you give me one very good reason!"
"You're 52 years old and you're the headmaster."
"You've got to get up for school." Moshe pulls the blankets over his head and replies, "I don't want to go to school, mother."
"But you have to," Sara says.
"I don't want to. The teachers don't like me and all the kids make fun of me."
Sara pulls the blanket back a little, "Moshe, you don't have any choice. You've got to get up for school."
"Okay, Okay", says Moshe, "but only if you give me one very good reason!"
"You're 52 years old and you're the headmaster."
Avraham was reading an article out loud to his wife. “Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words?”
Rochel replied, “The reason must be because a woman has to say everything twice.” Avraham turned to Rochel and asked, "What?"
Rochel replied, “The reason must be because a woman has to say everything twice.” Avraham turned to Rochel and asked, "What?"
A Jewish mother is worrying day in and day out about her poor son, Yankel, who is far away in college: "Oy vay, will he ever find a nice girl? Will he have enough to eat? Will he be cold at night?" While worrying she decides to at least buy and send him two warm flannel shirts. A couple of months later he travels back to New York to see his mother. After many hours in a bus he arrives right before Shabbat at her door and thinks, "Wait, maybe I should wear one of the shirts she sent me! Surely this will make her happy!" He puts on the shirt, rings the door bell and his mother opens the door.
"Yankel!"
"Mammele!"
"Yankel, I am sooooo happy to see you! And you are even wearing one of the shirts I sent you! But tell me one thing Yankel, You didn't like the other shirt?!?!"
"Yankel!"
"Mammele!"
"Yankel, I am sooooo happy to see you! And you are even wearing one of the shirts I sent you! But tell me one thing Yankel, You didn't like the other shirt?!?!"
Sam, from Texas, is on vacation in Israel and meets Yankel in a restaurant.
“So what do you do for a living?"
Sam asks Yankel.
"I raise a few chickens, and I'm also a farmer,” answers Yankel.
"What a coincidence,” replies Sam,
"I‟m also a farmer! Tell me, how much land do you have?"
"Fifty meters in front, and almost
a hundred in the back,"
answers Yankel.
"You're from Texas, so what about your farm, how much land do you have?" asks Yankel.
Sam tells him, "On my farm,
I can drive from morning until sundown and still not reach
the end of my property."
"That's too bad," says Yankel,
"I once had a car like that."
“So what do you do for a living?"
Sam asks Yankel.
"I raise a few chickens, and I'm also a farmer,” answers Yankel.
"What a coincidence,” replies Sam,
"I‟m also a farmer! Tell me, how much land do you have?"
"Fifty meters in front, and almost
a hundred in the back,"
answers Yankel.
"You're from Texas, so what about your farm, how much land do you have?" asks Yankel.
Sam tells him, "On my farm,
I can drive from morning until sundown and still not reach
the end of my property."
"That's too bad," says Yankel,
"I once had a car like that."
Yitzy Goldberg took his new pair of pants to a tailor in Stamford Hill, London, to have them altered. The next day, Yitzy was called to Manchester on a last-minute job assignment. It was over 5 years before he was able to return to his Stamford Hill home. One day, while he was dressing, Yitzy reached
into his coat pocket and to his surprise found the tailor's receipt for his pants. So Yitzy went right away to the tailor's shop, which fortunately was still there. Yitzy handed him the receipt, and asked, "Are my pants here?" "Yes, of course," said the tailor. "They‟ll be ready next Tuesday!"
into his coat pocket and to his surprise found the tailor's receipt for his pants. So Yitzy went right away to the tailor's shop, which fortunately was still there. Yitzy handed him the receipt, and asked, "Are my pants here?" "Yes, of course," said the tailor. "They‟ll be ready next Tuesday!"
One day, three men were hiking and suddenly came upon a raging, river. They had no idea how they would get to the other side. The first man prayed to G-d, saying, "Please G-d, give me the strength to be able to cross this river." Poof! G-d gave him big arms and strong legs. He was able to swim across the river in two hours, but almost drowned several times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to G-d, and said, "Please G-d, give me the strength, and the tools to cross this river." Poof! G-d gave him a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in an hour, but almost capsized the boat two times.
The third man saw how this had worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to G-d and said, "Please G-d, give me the strength, tools, and intelligence to cross this river." Poof! G-d turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a few hundred yards, and walked across the bridge.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to G-d, and said, "Please G-d, give me the strength, and the tools to cross this river." Poof! G-d gave him a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in an hour, but almost capsized the boat two times.
The third man saw how this had worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to G-d and said, "Please G-d, give me the strength, tools, and intelligence to cross this river." Poof! G-d turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a few hundred yards, and walked across the bridge.
Moishe Goldberg was showing off his new purchase to his friend Yitzy.
"I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It cost me $1500.00, but it was worth it. It’s the latest technology!”
"What kind is it?" his friend asked.
"Half past two," Moishe replied.
"I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It cost me $1500.00, but it was worth it. It’s the latest technology!”
"What kind is it?" his friend asked.
"Half past two," Moishe replied.
One day Irving calls the local Rabbi and asks him to come to his house. When Rabbi Steinbaum arrives, Irving hands him a cheque for $15,000.00.
“Rabbi,” Irving says, “I want you to make me a Kohein.”
“Irving,” the Rabbi replies, “It‟s very generous of you to donate such a large sum to the synagogue but I can't make you a Kohein.”
“Rabbi Steinbaum, you drive a hard bargain. Here is a cheque for $30,000.00. Now I'm sure you can make me a Kohein.”
“I'm really sorry Irving, but even for that much money I can't make you a Kohein. It just isn't possible.”
“Okay Rabbi, have it your way. Here is my final offer, $100,000.00. NOW, can you make me a Kohein?”
“Look Irving, it doesn‟t matter how much money you give me I can‟t make you a Kohein, it just doesn‟t work like that.”
Irving puts his head in his hands and sighs.
“What‟s wrong Irving? Tell me why do you want to be a Kohein so badly?”
“Well, Rabbi, it's like this. My grandfather was a Kohein, my father was a Kohein, so I also want to be a Kohein!”
“Rabbi,” Irving says, “I want you to make me a Kohein.”
“Irving,” the Rabbi replies, “It‟s very generous of you to donate such a large sum to the synagogue but I can't make you a Kohein.”
“Rabbi Steinbaum, you drive a hard bargain. Here is a cheque for $30,000.00. Now I'm sure you can make me a Kohein.”
“I'm really sorry Irving, but even for that much money I can't make you a Kohein. It just isn't possible.”
“Okay Rabbi, have it your way. Here is my final offer, $100,000.00. NOW, can you make me a Kohein?”
“Look Irving, it doesn‟t matter how much money you give me I can‟t make you a Kohein, it just doesn‟t work like that.”
Irving puts his head in his hands and sighs.
“What‟s wrong Irving? Tell me why do you want to be a Kohein so badly?”
“Well, Rabbi, it's like this. My grandfather was a Kohein, my father was a Kohein, so I also want to be a Kohein!”
Shloimie goes to see
Dr. Weinbaum. As soon as Shloimie enters the doctor‟s office, he says, “Oy vey Dr. Weinbaum, am I happy to see you. I have been having some real trouble lately!”
“Why, what‟s wrong?” Dr. Weinbaum asks?
“Well,” replies Shloimie, “I can‟t recall what I ate for lunch today, or what I had for dinner yesterday, or even if I went to synagogue this past Shabbos. I can‟t even remember my birthday.
I‟m beginning to think
I‟m going crazy.”
"Okay calm down Shloimie. Now tell me, when did this all start?”
"When did what start?" replies Shloimie.
Dr. Weinbaum. As soon as Shloimie enters the doctor‟s office, he says, “Oy vey Dr. Weinbaum, am I happy to see you. I have been having some real trouble lately!”
“Why, what‟s wrong?” Dr. Weinbaum asks?
“Well,” replies Shloimie, “I can‟t recall what I ate for lunch today, or what I had for dinner yesterday, or even if I went to synagogue this past Shabbos. I can‟t even remember my birthday.
I‟m beginning to think
I‟m going crazy.”
"Okay calm down Shloimie. Now tell me, when did this all start?”
"When did what start?" replies Shloimie.
The new postman was delivering a registered package. He rings the doorbell and Rochel sticks her head out the window.
“Nu, what is it?” she asks. --"I have a registered parcel for Mrs. Greenberg," he replies.
"Is it wrapped in gift paper or just plain brown paper?" Rochel asks.
--"Ordinary brown paper,” he replies.
"Who is it from?" Rochel asks.
--"It‟s from Macy‟s department store, madam," he replies.
"Does it say from which branch?" Rochel asks.
--"Yes," he replies, "it‟s from 2nd Avenue."
"Does it say what‟s in it?" Rochel inquires.
--"It says it‟s from their Shoes Department. Now will you come and sign for it please?”
"Sorry," replies Rochel, "I can‟t do that."
-- "Why not?" he asks.
"Because," Rochel answers, "I‟m Mrs. Stein, Mrs. Greenberg lives next door."
“Nu, what is it?” she asks. --"I have a registered parcel for Mrs. Greenberg," he replies.
"Is it wrapped in gift paper or just plain brown paper?" Rochel asks.
--"Ordinary brown paper,” he replies.
"Who is it from?" Rochel asks.
--"It‟s from Macy‟s department store, madam," he replies.
"Does it say from which branch?" Rochel asks.
--"Yes," he replies, "it‟s from 2nd Avenue."
"Does it say what‟s in it?" Rochel inquires.
--"It says it‟s from their Shoes Department. Now will you come and sign for it please?”
"Sorry," replies Rochel, "I can‟t do that."
-- "Why not?" he asks.
"Because," Rochel answers, "I‟m Mrs. Stein, Mrs. Greenberg lives next door."
Rabbi Stein and Rabbi Goldman are sitting in their local kosher restaurant. The waiter soon comes over and Rabbi Stein asks for two glasses of water.
When the water arrives the Rabbi‟s take out their homemade sandwiches and begin eating.
Yitzy, the manager of the restaurant, is less than impressed and approaches the Rabbis.
“Look, I‟ll give you both a free appetizer and soup. My other customers won‟t mind since they know you are both local Rabbis. However please don‟t eat your own sandwiches in here, it‟s bad for business.”
With that, Rabbi Goldman and Rabbi Stein look at each other and without saying a word exchange sandwiches and continue eating
When the water arrives the Rabbi‟s take out their homemade sandwiches and begin eating.
Yitzy, the manager of the restaurant, is less than impressed and approaches the Rabbis.
“Look, I‟ll give you both a free appetizer and soup. My other customers won‟t mind since they know you are both local Rabbis. However please don‟t eat your own sandwiches in here, it‟s bad for business.”
With that, Rabbi Goldman and Rabbi Stein look at each other and without saying a word exchange sandwiches and continue eating
Chaim is travelling on a bus with his Bubbie. It’s a very hot day and everyone on board is quiet and subdued. Suddenly, Chaim’s Bubbie says, "Oy, am I thirsty." This is repeated again and again every few minutes. "Oy, am I thirsty. Oy, am I thirsty!" This quickly begins to get on Chaim’s nerves, so he gets the bus driver to stop at the next corner and he goes to buy a drink. When he returns he gives his Bubbie a bottle of water.
Bubbie drinks the water, and Chaim sits back in his seat and the bus continues on its journey. Some passengers begin to nod off again, others start reading their newspapers and the rest are just relieved that all is quiet. All of a sudden everyone hears "Oy, vas I thirsty… Oy, vas I thirsty."
Bubbie drinks the water, and Chaim sits back in his seat and the bus continues on its journey. Some passengers begin to nod off again, others start reading their newspapers and the rest are just relieved that all is quiet. All of a sudden everyone hears "Oy, vas I thirsty… Oy, vas I thirsty."
An eighty year old woman was recently arrested for shoplifting in the local supermarket. She was brought into the courtroom and stood before the judge.
“What did you steal?” the judge asked.
--“A can of peaches,” she replied.
“What, may I ask, brought you to steal a can of peaches?” inquired the judge.
--“I was very hungry,” answered the woman.
“How many peaches are in the can?” --“Six your honour.”
“In that case,” said the judge, “I will give you six days in jail!”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the sentence, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something on his wife‟s behalf.
“Yes,” said the judge, “what is it?”
The husband replied, ”She also stole a can of peas.”
“What did you steal?” the judge asked.
--“A can of peaches,” she replied.
“What, may I ask, brought you to steal a can of peaches?” inquired the judge.
--“I was very hungry,” answered the woman.
“How many peaches are in the can?” --“Six your honour.”
“In that case,” said the judge, “I will give you six days in jail!”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the sentence, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something on his wife‟s behalf.
“Yes,” said the judge, “what is it?”
The husband replied, ”She also stole a can of peas.”
Yankel just moved to town and after Sunday services joins the other men for coffee and cake. Everyone is schmoozing and telling stories when Mordy says, “26,” and everyone starts laughing. Then Yitzy says, “48,” and again everyone begins laughing.
Wondering what’s going on, Yankel walks over to Shmuel and asks for an explanation. Shmuel says that everyone has lived in the community for so long that they all know each other’s jokes. So to make things simpler they have assigned numbers to the jokes. Instead of telling the whole joke you only have to say the number.
Wanting to make a good impression Yankel walks back over to the crowd and says, “19,” but instead of laughing there is only silence. Not sure what has happened, Yankel asks Shmuel why no one is laughing, to which Shmuel replies, “It’s the way you told it!”
Wondering what’s going on, Yankel walks over to Shmuel and asks for an explanation. Shmuel says that everyone has lived in the community for so long that they all know each other’s jokes. So to make things simpler they have assigned numbers to the jokes. Instead of telling the whole joke you only have to say the number.
Wanting to make a good impression Yankel walks back over to the crowd and says, “19,” but instead of laughing there is only silence. Not sure what has happened, Yankel asks Shmuel why no one is laughing, to which Shmuel replies, “It’s the way you told it!”