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My Wife's Inner Beauty (Chanukah edition)

11/29/2013

7 Comments

 
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It was motzei Shabbos sometime in March 2005 when I received a phone call that would change my life forever. A Rebbetzen whom I knew very well called to tell me about a lovely girl she met by chance. Despite the brevity of their fluke encounter, she was convinced that a girl by the name of Ettie (she didn't even know her last name) was the perfect match for me. The only catch was that Ettie was studying in Tzfat, Israel, at the time, and I was working in Manchester, England.

Therefore, our first encounter would have to be via telephone. I was okay with that and I casually asked the Rebbetzen to email me a picture so I could see it before the phone call the next day. It goes without saying that without seeing a picture there was no point in talking, right? After all, I wasn’t going to buy an international airplane ticket and fly to Israel to meet a girl that I had never seen. That would be crazy! Well, I was about to learn a very important lesson from a very important (and wise) 20 year old.

The Rebbetzin assured me that there was time to decide about flying to Israel and that before getting ahead of myself, I should give Ettie a call and talk, seeing if we clicked and if I would even be interested in meeting her. That made sense to me and so the following evening I called Ettie (who actually unbeknownst to me was reluctant to speak with me to begin with). We talked for several hours (our most expensive ‘date’ ever) and towards the middle of the conversation, I carefully alluded to the idea of exchanging pictures.

In her characteristic manner, Ettie was straightforward and to the point. She said that she saw absolutely no reason for us to see pictures of one another. Marriage is not about physicality, it is about spirituality, she explained. Our looks change; it is about what is on the inside that matters, and how you use it. You do not marry someone because you think she is beautiful or he is handsome, she stressed. You marry them because they make you want to become beautiful, for them and for yourself, she emphasized.

I wasn’t really sure I understood what she meant, but I knew that I was speaking with my soul mate, and that was enough for me.  By the end of the conversation, I knew that I no longer needed to see a picture and based on her sweet singsong tone alone (and her calm reassuring voice), I was convinced that she was beautiful. So when I spoke to the Rebbetzin the next day, I let her know that I wouldn’t need to see a picture after all. In fact, I was ready to buy an airplane ticket.

When I flew to Israel the following week and we met for the first time, I was happy to find out that my hypothesis was correct: Ettie was indeed very very pretty, a mix of regal royalty and spontaneous casualness. After a brief engagement, we were married on the 12th of Menachem Av and thank G-d this past summer we celebrated our eighth anniversary.

Over the years, I have learned what love, trust, passion, forgiveness, and commitment mean. However, it wasn’t until this past week that I really understood what it means to put someone else first; not just some of the time, but all of the time. Ettie is an incredibly talented person. She is a savvy financial planner, compassionate counselor and confidant, fantastic baker, wonderful photographer, eloquent writer, detail-oriented editor, blooming artist, athlete par excellence, do-it-yourself craft and project maven, exceptional educator, and a devoted mother with endless patience and creativity.  She could be pursuing and excelling in a variety of career options and engaging in many different hobbies in her spare time. Yet, she chooses to be a fulltime homemaker, with her primary role as wife, mother, and teacher to our children.

In the evenings, when Ettie manages to find some free time for herself, she uses those precious undisturbed moments to work on my website, edit my articles, motivate me to write, listen to my divarei Torah and make them more articulate, and push me to exercise. She always insists that I take some time to relax, read, and learn Torah, not to mention many other selfless acts. When Ettie could rightfully take some well deserved “me time,” instead she gives of herself, transforming it into “you time.”

The greatest bracha or l'chaim a person can give is to bless someone to live up to his or her potential; to really become who Hashem truly meant them to be. To give such a bracha is thoughtful to say the least. But, when a person puts him or herself aside and dedicates their whole being with passion and enthusiasm to actively ensure that her husband becomes the person she knows that he can be; that is true beauty.

We know that our forefather Yaakov had two wives: Rachel and Leah.  Rachel was known for her outer beauty, her graceful appearance, and her sweet disposition.  Leah, on the other hand, was strong, intellectual, and determined.  Following a pivotal journey, Hashem changed Yaakov's name to Yisrael because he wrestled with an angel and overcame; that is, Yaakov wasn't afraid of a challenge.  Thus, it was the transformed Yisrael who married Leah.  It is no coincidence that Ettie's full name is Ettel Leah Zissel, and my name of course is Nuta Yisrael.  In our case, Yisrael married Leah on purpose; and found that in essence he got the best of both worlds.

We are now celebrating the holiday of Chanukah, a special time dedicated to lighting up the world.  We are instructed to light the menorah either by a window or by a door in order that the light from the menorah should shine out and light up not only our own home but also the lives and hearts of others.  It is no coincidence that Ettie's birthday is on the first night of Chanukah.  On the first night we light only one candle; and yet this one candle is enough to dispel darkness and illuminate our minds and hearts. 

Every single person can be compared to a candle.  Each and every one of us has the power to light up someone else's world.  Like a candle, we are able to bring light and joy to someone else without diminishing our own flame.  Relationships of all sorts require the investment of light.  Whether it is the bond between spouses, parents and children, colleagues, or friends, the solid foundation for any relationship is when more time is spent focusing on the other person, rather than on oneself. In a marriage especially, this is how a true partnership is formed. This is true love.

Ettie has decided to devote her potential into making sure I and our children maximize our G-d given talents, capabilities, and skills. Ettie was correct; it is what’s on the inside that counts. It has taken more than a picture and eight years of marriage, but I finally understand what my wife meant about beauty; and I finally now know how gorgeous she really is.

Wishing you and yours a truly beautiful and joyous Chanukah,
Rabbi Nuta Yisrael Shurack

7 Comments
Chana
12/1/2013 12:25:24 am

the story is too much like Cinderella...there is absolutely no reason why pictures can't be exchanged, especially if one lives out of the country..there has been too many disappointments where people were not so enamoured of what they saw, after traveling a significant distance in spite of talking on the phone while sharing good vibes. I am glad it worked out for them but for most others such is NOT the case. Such a request should be honored, and if it is not, then just how flexible is the other party whether she agrees to it or not? that to me would be more of a concern-inflexibility. If the girl and or young man is very appealing but has very little to offer inside, then most likely it will soon be a no go after one or two dates, as beauty alone does not make a marriage..Realistically speaking most of us are pretty down to earth people with down to earth needs and they should be honored, whether they make sense to someone seemingly more spiritual . The issue here is respecting another person's request, which is certainly not outlandish, but very normal for us less spiritually evolved people .

Reply
Ettie Shurack
12/1/2013 02:27:52 am

Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to write! Being the 'subject' of this article, I hope my husband doesn't mind that I chime in and address some of your concerns from my own perspective. I agree, I think it is important that each couple does what they are comfortable with. Our story, by no means, is advice for other couples. It was simply an article from the perspective of my husband about how we met. And if other couples feel it is important to share photos, then they certainly should. Or if the young man would like and the young woman would rather not or viceversa they should have a respectful discussion sharing their individual concerns and preferences. When we were dating and my husband alluded to exchanging photos, I told him that I would rather not because I see the importance of getting to know each other's personalities before looks made their way into the calculations. It was following that one simple comment that my husband decided he was in full agreement with me. Had he said "you know, I would rather exchange photos," we would have had a nice meaningful discussion and come to an amicable conclusion, a joint decision. In many circles, prospective spouses don't see photos of each other before their first date and their marriage grows beautifully. And many people do see photos and their marriage also grows beautifully. To each their own. What's important is that each party feels heard and understood and that flexibility and respect are key ingredients. Come to think of it, those are important attributes in marriage as well. Thanks again for sharing your feedback. Wishing you a happy Chanukah!

Reply
chana
12/1/2013 03:22:20 am

thanks for taking the time and writing me back. appreciate that. In the end its all about flexibility, respect and compromise in any relationship. The potential couple involved needs to find their comfort zone re this topic, and if that is hard to come by in this case, exchanging or not exchanging pictures, then I would say move on to another suggestion..otherwise trouble is already brewing w/ this couple...
I know of a case where a young lady communicated with a potential shidduch overseas..they had meaningful conversations via phone and email (pre Skype era, no pictures exchanged). when she finally flew to England, and took one look at him, her heart plummeted big time. how devastating for both parties involved. for her all that good talk wasn't enough as there was no physical attraction. this was especially hard as she traveled quite a distance. She experiences her world through the senses, color, sound, smell, form, symmetry, etc. and in this case she was not able to move on and simply focus only on the pnimius. Indeed not an easy solution no matter how the pie is sliced, to exchange or not exchange..anyway..freilichen chanukah to you too...

Reply
Dina Zelcer
12/1/2013 04:12:43 am

This is very sweet and touching!

Reply
Shana Adler
12/1/2013 06:03:45 am

Lovely article and a great dear Torah as I sit beside my menorah. A freilichin Chanukah!

Reply
Lifshy
12/1/2013 06:05:12 pm

This is a beautiful article

Reply
Devorah
12/2/2013 01:48:13 pm

Beautiful article! Lovely family and lots of blessing to you! Have a happy chanuka!

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